I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
