I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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