that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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