Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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