Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
