you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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