On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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