She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
