drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
