I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
