I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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