I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
