discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
