just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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