If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
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Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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