Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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