I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
