I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
