i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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