Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
