what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
