How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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