And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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