remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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