he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
