Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
