it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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