I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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