so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
