I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
