She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
