Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You can't just leave with hair like that
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
