but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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