I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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