we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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