I met the friendliest cop last night
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
