Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
