u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
