Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
