mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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