FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
