So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
