I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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