Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
