eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
