don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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