Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
