y did u give ur computer a hand job?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
