can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
