you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Do you have feelings for this penis?
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