She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
