Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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