Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you win again, gameday.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Randomize
